I've been in a trial of late. The kind where my old nemesis anxiety sets up camp and tries to take over, and the inside of my own head becomes the battleground.
And then, in addition to the trial itself, there arrives the guilt over the stickiness of the worried thoughts. When, I wonder, will I be a giant of the faith, the woman who roars with the confidence of a victory already won? I've walked with God for so long. So very long. Shouldn't that faith just show up by now?
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3
WELL, then, there is no chance of perfect peace for me, because "steadfast"? My mind is the opposite of steadfast. It is withering and weak. How in a million years might I summon up a helping of "steadfast"? I can't even hear the Still, Small Voice through the chatter. But then, in a brief moment, there it is:
Steadfastness isn't necessarily a gleaming battle sword. Sometimes it's a tiny little pathway of baby steps.
Baby steps of steadfastness.
Microscopic decisions that in this moment, this millisecond, I choose to trust that the Author of the Universe is who He says He is, and He holds me and walks beside and before me.
And if (when) the doubt rushes back in, I take another baby step of steadfastness.
In this second I choose to trust.
Pause. Doubt.
And then in this second, I choose to trust.
Again.
In this second, I choose to trust.
Trusting–really trusting–is not a spiritual medal that magically gets pinned on me after a lifetime of having it figured out. I do not have to grab my own bootstraps and hoist myself onto a spiritual pedestal.
I do not need the courage of a lion. I only need a thimbleful of steadfastness, just enough to take a deep breath and grab the Hand being offered me.
In this second, I choose to trust.
Rocks In My Dryer 
Praying for you and with you.
When I was waiting on the results a biopsy, and when I thought that a situation had risen in my marriage, and when I had 3 of my four children in ICU fighting for survival, the verse that really helped me in those microsteps of faith that you have to take 1000 times a day was Psalm 56:3-“When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.” Praying what Jesus prayed for Peter, that your faith would not fail you.
I saw your post pop up on my reader and thought, “Where has Shannon been?” Glad to “see” you.
I am living something similar and have been in too much of a swirl to see this clearly. Thank you for sharing these words. Thinking of you and sending love and peace.
Steph
My heart skipped a beat when I saw you had posted again. 🙂 Choosing trust moment by moment again and again–that’s where it’s at for me right now. Thank you for the encouragement.
Prayer is such an excellent antidote for anxiety. Also remember to take care of yourself–eating well and getting enough sleep can work wonders.
I was so delighted to see your post. As with so many of your posts from before, you have so eloquently captured just what I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing.